THE GIRLS OF SUMMER AND THE WINES TO WOO THEM WITH

Summertime…when the livin’ is supposed to be easy, or at least when it’s supposed to feel that way, albeit temporarily. When the days are long, the nights are made for bonfire parties and our minds set sail for the shore with eyes set on beaches, breakers and (of course) bikinis.

No self-respecting beach-bound cooler should ever be empty until the sunrise dawns on the terrible day after your most non-terrible beach party. And so it’s my job to offer up a list of wines that 1) taste great when chilled and 2) play well with, well, summer play.

Coming up with a list of white wines for the former is easy, but when it comes to the latter, what we really need is context. Because it doesn’t do you a bit of good pouring a white wine that will put your bikini-clad partygoers in a bad mood because it doesn’t match up with their complex, delicate, inner-goddess countenances. In other words, you’d better not pour the ladies something they’re likely not to like.

And so it’s with maximizing your party’s potential in mind that we take a look at four of the feminine personalities that might be gracing your summertime beach festivities and match the wines to them. Each recommendation below will run you less than $15 per bottle, so you can stock a cooler without having to sell any stock.

THE GIRL:  Cute, Fun-Loving Coworker Who Digs Sports

Her Usual Drink:  “Lite” beer

Pairs Best With:  Vinho Verde from Portugal

The Portuguese didn’t invent refreshing white wine for under $10 a bottle, but they’ve damn-near perfected it. Hailing from that country’s green, wet northwest, white Vinho Verde is simple, vibrant and like citrus fruits channeled into a laser weapon. It’s got lower alcohol and often comes with a bit of spritz, making it the perfect gateway drug into fine wine for the beer-drinking lovelies at your summer shindig. The introductory offerings from Portuguese producers Aveleda and Casa de Vila Verde are hard to beat.

THE GIRL: The Party Girl You Met Last Weekend 

Her Usual Drink:  Moscato

Pairs Best With: Off-dry Riesling

There’s nothing wrong with the grapey, fun and often-bubbly Moscato d’Asti, but like any product suffering from unplanned spikes in popularity, growing production doesn’t always go hand in hand with growing quality. In fact, the results can sometimes taste more like Moscato d’Nasti. Satisfy her candy craving with something you both can drink — a lime-and-flowers Riesling with a bit of residual sugar. Riesling’s strong acidity, mineral undertones and relatively low alcohol wield a touch of sweetness the same way that Conan the Barbarian wields a broadsword to slice through evil hordes: effortlessly. Dr. Loosen’s Dr. L Riesling from Germanyis as solid and refreshing as they come, with only a hint of sugar. Sweeter tastes will want to go for something like Christobel’s Eden Valley Riesling from Australian producer Yalumba.

THE GIRL:  Your Hot, Flirtatious Cougar Neighbor

Her Usual Drink:  Big, buttery Chardonnay. As in, only ever  big, buttery Chardonnay

Pairs Best With: Torrontes from Argentina

The bloom might have come off the rose when it comes to overly ripe, overly oaked, overly creamy Chardonnay, and so the time is overly ripe to try a bait-and-switch on even the staunchest of Big Chardonnay drinkers. Those who otherwise might not even try another Chardonnay that was given a lighter winemaking touch can still dig on Argentina’s Torrontes, which delivers most of the tropical fruits of Big Chardonnay, a little bit of the alcoholic fat, but little-to-none of the wood — and all with the added benefit of intense floral notes. Try the offerings by Tilia or Callia Alta, and she might not know it wasn’t actually Chardonnay until the first glass is already empty.